I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
