The maid of honor just puked.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
