i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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