Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
