Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
