Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
