I feel like I'm in dance class right now
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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