I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
