You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
