mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
