Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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