She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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