Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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