But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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