Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
