You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
