tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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