Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Bring me that man meat
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
