there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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