Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
