Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
