You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Dick very happy bro
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
