I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
