Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
