Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
