he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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