just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
