Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
