Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
