I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's shark week go big or go home
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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