went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
