Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Someone signed my nipple.
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