Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
