And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just had sex on a roof
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
