Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
