I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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