This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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