sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
