im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
