Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
