i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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