just come out here and I will go home with you...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
not ubering you a puppy
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
