the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
