ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
