i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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