There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
