In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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