I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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