If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
