made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
