You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
